The Tetherball Spider (part 1)

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...
I graduated college. And like any other college graduate moved back into the house I grew up in, on Kent Drive, before leaving in a matter of months for grad school. My brother had recently left the house to move in with his future wife, so it was just me.
You know the expression: some things never change? Well, ever since I can remember we have always had a yellow bug light on the front porch that is advertised to "keep bugs away at night." LIES!!!! Every night that that light was on, I would walk up the porch steps and get smacked in the head and face by moths, mosquitos and other various bugs that I couldn't identify. So of course, where there are bugs usually a spider or two is not that far behind. Usually the spiders would create their webs the side of the front door in various spots. This was not something unusual to me but I would pretend like they weren't there, because I am scared of spiders. For the two seconds it would take for me to unlock and force our slightly warped wooden door open, I would keep my mind occupied with other thoughts while I started to hyperventilate at the thought of the viscious, drooling spiders with twelve eyes that I would imagine calling my name trying to lure me into their web so they could plant their egg sacks in my hair and suck my blood!!! (I have a pretty active imagination.) But usually I would get into the house without egg sacks in my hair and with just as much blood as I had two seconds before. Another close call.

Spiders and I have a unspoken agreement (I think anyway). If they are outside the house...I leave them alone. They eat up mosquitoes and other bugs so...have at it! However, if one gets inside my house...I consider that a suicide march. First, I gasp. Second, I shudder and give the obligatory "Eeeeew. Oh my God!" Third, I curl my toes (I dont know why) and run to find the biggest shoe available. Fourth, I muster up my courage and slam the shoe down on it to make it's death as quick and painless as possible. Fifth, I do the "Oh-my-Lord-that-is-so-gross" dance/convulsion, usually in a small circle.

This one night, I was leaving the house in the evening (bug light on) and I open the front door to go when I realize I need something from the table by the door. I turn around to get it, then turn to go out the door and see a big brown spider hanging down from the middle of the door jam, about the size of a silver dollar. No lie. It's just hanging there...staring at me. So of course, I slide around it out the door, praying it won't get me. As I slide around it, it crawls back up to the top of the door frame. I slam the door, lock it in a crouched position watching for it and run away.
This happens just about every night for the next three weeks. I would open the door and walk out right when this crazy spider would drop down and almost hit me in the face! You would have to have cat like reflexes to duck at the appropriate time! It's was like it was waiting for you to walk through, just to scare the crap out of you!!

One night, I wasn't thinking and opened the door to leave when here comes the kamikaze spider. It scared me (of course) and my hand flew up and I batted it away from me. The spider swung out and for a second I thought I was safe...until the laws of motion for a pendulum became clear in my brain. The spider started to swing back to me. "Crap," I thought. Luckily, addrenaline from the scare was still in me and I ducked and sat down in the doorway. The spider swung back and forth for about a minute. When it slowed enough, it crawled back up and disappeared. I never saw it again....